


What Could've Been

by otptrash



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Chea, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otptrash/pseuds/otptrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You have no idea,” Jongin tries to say, before his own voice breaks and a sob is ripped from his body. “You have no idea how much I feel for you, Kyungsoo. I am so sorry. So, so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Could've Been

 

 

 

Kyungsoo drinks in the sight of Jongin, trying to memorize every contour and every indentation that there is on his face, dragging the pad of his finger across the fullness of Jongin’s lips, knowing full what those they feel like against his heated skin, and his eyes flutter close, remembering.

 

He is overwhelmed and confused at the anger he feels. He wants to hurt Jongin, wants him to feel what he is feeling, to brand it on his skin so that Jongin never forgets this, and he grabs Jongin’s shirt in between his trembling hands, before letting go and wrapping his arms around him.

 

Because as much as he wants to make Jongin experience his pain, he can see in Jongin’s brown eyes the very longing and sadness that could be found in his.

 

All those nights together finally came down to this— huddled underneath cum-stained sheets, breaths fast and uneven as tangled limbs and swollen, red mouths fade into the bliss of holding each other close— this was it. This was the end. This was where Jongin confesses his love for Kyungsoo, while Kyungsoo does the same, and they smile and laugh at themselves for being so stubborn. For being so stupid.

 

Stupid enough to not realize that they were falling fast and hard every night they spent together until the two of them have been reduced into living only for the sole purpose of worshipping each other with feverish hands and lustful gazes.

 

_I love you._

 

They both knew it, the words burning in their throats like the thirst of an alcoholic for that one shot of bourbon.

 

But those words are left unsaid as each touch of Jongin’s skin becomes more desperate than the last, and Kyungsoo gasps as Jongin leans in close and presses a hard kiss against his mouth. It was not gentle, it was not kind. Jongin licked and bit at Kyungsoo’s lips, impatient at Kyungsoo’s attempts to slow down and think and feel— to not forget. But Kyungsoo gives in as he always does, knowing he should stop this, that they can’t do this anymore without hurting each other more than they’ve already done. And something breaks inside of him.

 

Jongin flips them around and holds Kyungsoo against the wall of his hotel room, fumbling at the buttons of Kyungsoo’s shirt, impatient to feel the hot skin underneath. But a sudden wetness against his cheek stops him and he breaks the kiss just as Kyungsoo tries to push him away, fingers splayed across his chest.

 

“We can’t.” Kyungsoo’s voice breaks, his eyes searching out Jongin’s own. “You know we can’t.”

 

Jongin ignores this and leans in again, desperate to take that one last forbidden taste of Kyungsoo’s lips. But the man before him pushes him harder than before, and he stumbles back.

 

“You know better than anyone that we can’t!” Kyungsoo screams at him. His face is coated with tears. Jongin couldn’t think of anything or anyone more beautiful than this man before him.

 

But Kyungsoo’s words were a slap to his face, and Jongin had learned early on in his life to face the truths buried deep within lies and admit those truths to himself. He couldn’t feign ignorance. Not when Kyungsoo can’t stop shaking before him, wiping hot tears from his. And why would he when he was the one to break the news of his engagement to Kyungsoo after lying to him? Had Jongin been a more selfless man, he would’ve left the moment he Kyungsoo grinned at him at the bar; would’ve turned away the chance the moment his attraction bellied a certain fondness and warmth, when he knew it wasn’t mere lust that kept him close to Kyungsoo’s side. But he was selfish and he wanted Kyungsoo for himself. So he kept coming back for more, seeking out Kyungsoo’s company more than anything. Refusing more than once to attend a meeting just so he could spend more time with him.

 

Seeing him now, a shadow of the Kyungsoo Jongin had sought after, who teased and laughed at Jongin’s awful jokes— Jongin feels his face heat, a burning sensation gathering at the corners of his eyes. He blinks and is shocked to find himself crying.

 

He approaches Kyungsoo, who tries to push him away again, but he continues forward, his hands traveling up towards Kyungsoo’s face, cupping his hands along his jaw. He leans his forehead against Kyungsoo’s own, feeling him tremble with the sobs racking his body apart.

 

“You have no idea,” Jongin tries to say, before his own voice breaks and a sob is ripped from his body. “You have no idea how much I feel for you, Kyungsoo. I am so sorry. So, so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” He wipes away the tears staining Kyungsoo’s cheeks with his thumbs, before pressing a soft kiss on each cheek.

 

“Just stop, Jongin. Just stop,” he hears Kyungsoo whisper. But he continues to press kisses on Kyungsoo’s face, anywhere but his mouth, muttering an apology after each one. “Please.”

 

He stops and tilts Kyungsoo’s face so that their eyes meet. “If-“

 

A bitter laugh bubbled out of Kyungsoo’s mouth, and it makes Jongin flinch. “ _If_? What  _if_?”

 

“If I had the choice-“

 

“If _you_ had the choice? Bullshit.” Kyungsoo disentangles himself from Jongin. Tears fall freely now on his face and he chokes up. “Don’t you dare pull that one over me Jongin. You had a choice and you picked her over me.”

 

“I loved her first. I couldn’t choose… You have to understand," he says desperately,  searching out Kyungsoo's eyes.

 

“Do you even hear what shit your are saying to me right now? And thanks. I just needed for you to clarify that all this was nothing…" Kyungsoo wipes his face, a depreciating smile on his lips. "You know what? Fuck you Kim Jongin. And, and to think that I thought I lo-" he breaks into whisper, hurt and sadness laced along with each word he utters in anger.

 

“Love me?” Jongin gravely finishes for him. He looks at Kyungsoo whose hatred he could feel from so far.

 

“ _Loved_ , Jongin. If you can choose to not love me, well consider the same for me.” Kyungsoo heads to the door and opens it.

 

 Jongin grabs his hand and grips it harder when he feels Kyungsoo pulling away, but a look from Kyungsoo, so desperate and _fuck_ — his heart clenched and he found it hard to breath. He let go.

 

Kyungsoo pauses. “Please, if this past month even mattered to you at all despite what you said, don’t bother seeing or calling me again.”

 

Jongin watches Kyungsoo leave, keeps on watching even after he disappears behind a corner. It’s only five minutes later that he finally turns around and closes the door, collapsing against it and crying into his hands, thinking of what could’ve been.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: i was angsting big time after i read a fic from another fandom and i wanted to write something that hurt. also, i think jongin knew he was being an asshole to kyungsoo, but i like to think that even though jongin cheated, there is still that loyalty in him. and it was up to him to choose which one he was going to be loyal to.


End file.
